Holiday Boundaries…
There is a misconception that boundaries create distance between people, when in fact healthy boundaries keep us safe enough to build trust and authentic closeness. Authentic connection is one of the greatest protective factors for our mental health. Having people in our life who are trustworthy, kind and reliable can make all the difference to how smoothly we can navigate life’s inevitable bumps and conflicts.
We know the holidays can sometimes be tricky territory, between the pressure of gift giving, social invites, and family get-togethers understanding how to set, hold and be OK with boundaries can help to protect both our energy, and our relationships with loved ones.
Before we jump into the details, let’s recap on the key differences between rules, expectations and boundaries.
Rules:
They depend on a hierarchy and power structure, and there are often punitive consequences for non-compliance. Often related to safety or privacy. For example:-You are not allowed to drive until you are a certain age (you could be fined and restricted).
Expectations:
Beliefs and desires that a particular outcome will occur. Can be intra or interpersonal and are effective only when clearly communicated and agreed.
Created by ourselves, for ourselves – intrapersonal
Created by us for others – interpersonal
When expectations are not communicated and outcomes are not met, this can be followed by frustration, resentment, mistrust or disappointment. Therefore they should be clearly communicated, negotiated and accepted by both parties. For example: When taking a job. They tell you what inputs and outputs they expect, you consider it and agree to the conditions when you take the job.
The best practice for communicating expectations is:
1. When: As soon as we’re aware of them, and be prepared to revise them when new information becomes available.
2. How: Clearly, patiently and kindly, but also assertively.
Boundaries
Behaviours we apply that support our wellbeing. Boundaries are in place to serve our needs, to keep us safe and to create meaningful connections. They are informed by:
1. our expectations
2. other people’s behaviour
And then applied to OUR behaviours. They are there to create a safe container for an authentic professional or personal relationship to flourish. They enable intimacy, not disruption because they provide safety and predictability.
So, how to set effective boundaries?
Firstly, address what is yours to hold?
Your responsibility is to be honest with yourself about what your needs are, and to communicate those needs to relevant parties while discussing expectations. Be willing to accept “no” from them. That is the core of respect for other people’s boundaries. Healthy boundaries do not force another person to do what we want them to. Instead we invite them to support us in meeting our needs in whatever ways they authentically can and want to. Then we moderate our involvement based on their capacity and desire to meet that need.
What is not yours to hold?
How people respond to your boundaries. This can feel like it’s your responsibility, but it’s not. If someone doesn’t respond well after you set a boundary, and it creates conflict, it can help to understand that this is them reiterating their needs and expectations of you, and explaining how this boundary you’re setting is getting in the way of their needs being met. And this can feel hurtful to them but remember that boundaries only get set after we’re already clear about what our own needs and expectations are and we’ve communicated that with relevant parties.
The options:
1. WAIT
2. TOLERATE
3. EVACUATE
One of the hardest parts in relationships is when we express a need, and someone does not currently have the capacity or desire to meet that need. We then have to choose our response because we can’t force them. So do we wait, tolerate or evacuate?
Wait: If they don’t currently have the capacity or desire but both parties have faith that it will happen, then we wait, for an appropriate amount of time and if necessary, evaluate at regular intervals.
Tolerate: If the capacity or desire is just a little bit away from our healthy boundary, we can interrogate our needs and ask ourself if we can willingly nudge our boundary a little to incorporate a change. This has to be genuinely within our window of tolerance.
Evacuate: If the capacity or desire are absent then we have to behave in a way that creates a protective barrier.
For example:
- “I will attend the end of year work party, but I won’t be drinking.”
- “We will come to the family Christmas dinner, but we’ll be leaving by 6pm.”
A big part of learning to set boundaries is that many of us have to unlearn “people pleasing” behaviours like saying “yes”, when we’d actually rather say “no”. A good practice when you’re making plans or responding to requests is to connect with your physical and cognitive responses, and see if you get an uneasy feeling when the words that come out of your mouth. Notice how a genuine ‘yes’ feels as opposed to an inauthentic one.
We have a favourite quote by Prentice Hemphill that help us to stay grounded in the “why” of boundaries…
“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously”
Wishing you a safe, slow and healthy holiday break.
